Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Best Intentions

So I wanted to write about all these good things about how I came back from homelessness and divorce drama, but instead I find myself stressed out about too many things all at once. This time it's overwhelming stress, which is rare.

My car is at that point where I can either try to sell it and find something hopefully less mechanically jacked up, or I can throw more money into it and pray it keeps going without MORE expensive repairs. We're talking about $2k in repairs in the course of a month and they're required or the car will end up in the junkyard worth nothing. Broken brakes all the way around and now a timing belt that can't be ignored and will cause an engine failure if not done.

Also, my lease is coming up July 1 and my renewal lease should be coming soon for review. I found an apartment in my old 'burb that I know I'd like. It wouldn't kill me if I was car free, but would be a pain at times not to have that freedom. I'd for sure get back into shape from walking, but things are close by. I've also been looking by my mom's house. It'd be nice to be closer to her and helpful to know if I need her, she's there to help me when I'm struggling. Things like late night treks to the store when the kid is sick and I can't take him out in the cold and we really, really need medicine. BUT moving also depends on college acceptance letters! I've gotten one acceptance letter with financial aid reward sent. It means staying put or moving local (my old suburb). An acceptance to UIC or DePaul means moving closer to my mom. Both mean a bigger place to live because a one bedroom with a toddler isn't worth the money I save. Seriously. But the car repairs may also mean I stay put. UGH!!!!!

So THIS is what keeps me up at night. Financial drama that all hinges on each other and nothing can be done yet. *Sighs* Throw the ex making me totally annoyed with his stupidity and it's good times here. I just want peace. It won't get better until August. If I can wait that long.

Honestly, the thing that sucks the most is that the stress is leaking onto my son and he's acting out too. He BIT ME twice today because he got so angry he didn't know how to express himself. He got angry because I didn't do as he commanded. So he bit me. He's not a biter so I was totally thrown off by it and since it wasn't the best day at work, he was sent to the bedroom to be angry and cry, and I sat on the couch to be angry and cry. It's just one of those days where I kept thinking, "This is not what I signed up for. No one told me it's like this. I do not like parenthood right now." Yet, we still snuggled for storytime and threw kisses goodnight. We'll just try to make tomorrow a little bit better.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Five days and counting

It's almost Noah's 3rd birthday. Friday at 5:30p to be exact. I find myself thinking about what I was doing in the days before he was born, and I wish it was a happy story with family visits planned, casseroles, and a nursery all set up for a baby. Obviously a husband who gave a shit he had a baby coming would've been nice, but those seem to be optional these days. I'll have to do some interesting spin if Noah ever asks about all this.

First of all, moving back to IL from AZ didn't exactly turn out the way I'd planned, to say the least. When I saw the word 'positive' on the little stick, I thought moving back near my family, and my then husband, was the right choice. I'd get a job doing temp work or some receptionist job, just like I always had done. I dropped out of U of A and started packing to move. My dream of finishing college in 2 more years was coming to an end. A whole new adventure was about to begin, but I just didn't know it was one of divorce and homelessness.

In the week before my baby was born, I was evicted from my apartment and packing my things to store in my cousin's basement. I'd lost my job, & even if I hadn't, it didn't have maternity leave or any type of pay while I was out of work with a newborn. Either way, I was getting evicted.

I had my c-section scheduled for May 2nd assuming he didn't come sooner. I also had my court date for eviction that same day, so I knew I wouldn't be in court and would end up with a judgment on my credit. This proves problematic to this day when I apartment hunt, even with an explanation and having paid it off completely. It doesn't just go away because it was paid. The only thing my ex was doing was coming by to eat the food I bought, on food stamps & WIC no less, even though he had a job and still lived with his mom. Or to annoy me by sitting around playing video games, or complaining it was too dusty and his allergies/asthma was acting up. I put up with it hoping he'd see what he was missing and be a 'real/good' husband and soon to be father. He did manage to put the heavy boxes in the SUV for me, even though I did quite a bit of box lifting and moving myself. I also managed to get into a little accident, since he made me drive back and forth and we got rear ended in a rainstorm.

So the week before my child was to be born was not a happy, exciting time. It was full of anxiety, uncertainty, fear, and anger. Bringing a child into the world with nowhere of your own to go is not something I would wish on anyone. It took me two years to rebound from the effects of my choices and it got worse before it got better. It's only in this last year that I have been on my own with my son and enjoyed having our own living space together. I've also been lucky enough to work at home and have him home with me. So while my story isn't a motion picture success story, I am a single parent who faced homelessness and won. I know there are others who aren't as lucky. This week I'll be trying to write about some of the things I did that helped get me back on my feet, as a way to give back to those who might be in need.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Photo Dump II

I just realized I've barely posted pics of Noah since Christmas!! Here you go:

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter & Eggs off the Internet (pics)

Happy Easter!

This year I was doing my usual blog surfing and saw how fabulous Solo Mother's eggs came out! I wanted to try something new so I followed her link to Silk Dyed Eggs elsewhere. Easy peasy directions, I could totally do that!

I went to Goodwill, after a disastrous attempt at egg hunting, and found THREE silk ties and one silk belt. That's it. None of the people spoke English when I asked about silk scarves or more ties. Nothing. I figured four silk items were fine. Somehow Noah got a little kid's bike out of that deal for 3.99 as well! We finished our activities for the day, which also didn't go as expected, and I made it home in time to work until 8p. I knew I'd have to do this egg dying while Noah was in bed, but he was so hyped up with energy that he didn't finally go down until 10p!

When I did get to the eggs, I wanted to blow them to keep them for a while. Looked up those directions on the Internet, got the items I needed, and proceeded to crush one when making holes, explode another while blowing and got two to clean out nicely. Then I started to freak out about dying in my metal pots! So more Internet searching about metal and vinegar reactions! I finally decided not to go that route, and found my ONLY ceramic pot that held all of TWO eggs at a time! It was going to be a long night, and I was tired from a busy day.

I finally got around to ripping the seam out of the belt, which sucks w/o a seam ripper, pulled the seams from the ties, and cut the fabric needed. I was trying to be careful with the blown eggs, but I crushed one while tightening the fabric, and then the other one started to break so I just threw them in the vinegar water anyway to see how the silk bled onto the eggs. I've now invested 1.5+ hours into this 'craft off the internet'.

Cue 20 minutes later when I run them under cold water and unwrap the red one...NOTHING! F'ing NOTHING! Curse words ensue, and the 'pure silk' tag is checked again. Meanwhile, my friend Angela is cackling into the phone. The green tie one is fished out and untied to find some fabulousness has transferred, but the bottom of the egg is kind of crushed. I keep it anyway. I now have ONE of four eggs that have kind of worked correctly.

All future eggs are not blown out and have been tied but must go two at a time. The only other silk that works is the striped belt. The dark blue nor the red ties work. So two of the four silk items work and I have only three eggs at the finish. When I woke up, I tried again mixing and matching ties for pattern contrast.

These are my results from 10 eggs:

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Blog slacker, but not so much in life.

I'm playing catch up everywhere. I just picked up 2 new little data entry positions and a paid blogging job, all from home. I've been lurking as a reader and so many other people are going through similar things that I should just post links and say, "This is how I feel too."

My SUV is broken, which is one reason I'm grateful to be working & going to school from home. The shop tried to gouge me with an $800.00 estimate for a full set of brakes all the way around! Ironically, when I drove it home with their caveat that it wasn't safe, the caliper just happened to seize up on the right front brake and I had to be towed home. What kind of shop does that to a single mom with a 3 yr old in the car?! I've already talked to a few people and it wasn't coincidence, but they covered their ass with the disclaimer on the estimate. Thank God for AAA, and my son got to have an adventure with a tow truck. The black marks left by my stuck tire all over the road and my parking lot at home, not so much of an adventure!

More sucky is that I was starting to look for a 'new for us' car, like a Volvo or Subaru station wagon, or something with 4 doors. At least with the rentals on the weekends, it's like test driving different cars all the time! I've currently decided that Aveos are not for us even with 4 doors, although I still like the VWs in that size. The Sonata was nice size-wise to cart family and Noah, but I've worked in their customer service, so I'm not sure about that. LOL This weekend I'll be testing the Spectra, and we'll see how that works carting family around in it. Thankfully it's not that expensive to only rent cars for the weekend & my truck is paid off.

I've also managed to spring clean most of my house and got rid of clutter. Now if I can find out how to get 5 loads of laundry done without going up three flights of stairs, that would be great. I already learned that the laundymat with Noah is OUT unless it's one quick load. I really, really wish I could afford to rent a townhome with a grassy area and a washer/dryer inside. I feel so far away from everyone in my current suburb than I did in the last one. The problem is that this place is super affordable and very sunny and not too terribly ghetto. LOL Feeling safe, having quiet, and the sunlight is really important to me.

Otherwise, I'm trying to figure out how to keep from going crazy and not yelling too much while my son doesn't nap anymore and runs me ragged while I'm working. I managed to finally rid us of the pacifier before the 3rd bday (miracles), and now I just need to get us on top of potty training so I can get him in preschool. I don't even want to talk about how the ex said he's not going to help me pay for that because he can't afford it, *cough bullshit cough* but I guess I can. Which of course I will because it's my child who loses out if I don't.

I'm just so tired and over extended. I think that I'm going to have to let my single parent's group go for good. I just can't do it anymore, and it's too expensive to be running myself without any help. It's not really what I wanted it to be at this point anyway, and it's been going for almost 2 years now. I think I need to spring clean my life, not just my things.

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