I'm totally flunking out of school. I'm currently on financial aid probation and it's really put a huge cramp in my budgeting. I knew that when I failed my statistics class (again) that I was in trouble. I take on so much I don't have time for what has to be done. I get sucked into time wasters and blow off important things because I always feel like I don't have enough 'me time' & I want to have fun too. So then I feel guilty taking any time for myself even to read a magazine because that's an hour I should've done homework, or work, or cleaning. Usually homework is the one I blow off thinking I can catch up. Now I'm in trouble at the community college I attend. From straight A's to barely passing. I'd have never imagined this for myself. I love school. I love learning and I'm screwing it up.
Thankfully I'm transferring into my 4 year for the fall, but that doesn't start until September. Meaning any financial aid I would get isn't coming my way for a while. If my financial aid appeal for summer is denied I can't drop my current summer classes either. No matter what I have to finish them because I have to pay for them. I'm not dropping classes and still paying $550 for them! I have two tests in two different psychology classes that are due tomorrow or I get dropped automatically. Since my probation appeal is still being processed, I basically have to take them or the financial aid probation is moot. I just won't get it because I won't even be in school at that point, AND I'll still owe them the money for the classes because the drop date for a refund passed weeks ago! It sucks. My time management sucks. Even having everything planned out on my Outlook, I just really suck at figuring out how much I have to work so that I have time for my child, myself, and homework. I had to drop the two meetup groups I organized because it was overwhelming me, and I wanted to make time for my family and for just Noah and I to be together without me working or being on the Internet. Even now, while writing this, I am pissed at myself for not doing homework and studying instead of blogging!
I thought about how I've let my grades slip these last two semesters. I'm not counting the three times I failed Statistics because I passed my other classes with A's and B's! I take my classes online though the local community college. I do this because it's not really that close to me at all. Since I moved, it's really far actually. I just wasn't ready to transfer. When I started school I didn't have Noah but now him here all day, and then when he goes to bed I try to say I'm doing my homework. Most the time I schedule myself to work instead. Or I try to catch up on reducing the daily clutter. Then I let the clutter build up while I did homework instead of working. Then I needed the money from work and everything fell apart! I'm figured out that now, with a child, that I need the time in a classroom to focus and learn. I don't know how to find the time for writing papers with my child here. I'm practically plugged into my computer all the time. I think my kid believes computers are part of our bodies now. Somehow I have to write 3, five-page minimum, research papers in a couple weeks. I used to knock out 3 pages like nothing. Now I'm dreading it for the time involved.
So basically the point is I'm screwing up. My focus used to be on getting straight A's before my son was born, and now I'm lucky to get a C most the time. I just procrastinate and procrastinate and play catch up every single day. I'm never going to catch up to my list of to do items. I don't even think I'm made that way. I sometimes wish I was more like my sister who can go and go and go & plows through her day with sheer will power with three kids in school! I only have one here at home. I just don't know how to prioritize and organize my time so that I can fit it in and be more productive, but also stay sane and healthy. It's like I'm a hoarder of activities and events, but I can't pare down my task list to a more sane level that I can handle. It's not reasonable to think that I can pull 12 credit hours of school, 50+ hours at work, and my active child at the same time, plus keep a household running with laundry, dishes, and other cleaning! Add 'fun stuff' like the zoo, family events, and just summer fun in general...it's just not possible. Yet here I am trying to do all that and more. If I read that on anyone else's blog, I'd be like, "Are you crazy?!" Yet, I'm pissed at myself for not being able to do MORE! Now I want to figure out how to fix it all.
It's just what I need, to add another to do item to the list: "Organize your life". Somehow I think that checkbox is going to stay unmarked for a long, long while. I'd be better off putting, "Go to sleep before 3am."