Boy did we have an interesting talk on the way home! To keep him awake the last 40 minutes of our drive, which was already 10 PM, I asked him if he understood why I wouldn't be going with him to his daddy's when his brother came for the summer. I don't think I've ever explained or talked about his dad and I being divorced. He knows we were married and has seen the wedding rings in a box. He sees marriage on TV and thinks if you kiss you're married (I'll let him think that for a while). He also thinks he can marry me, which I keep telling him is impossible but is cute and funny at the same time. It wasn't an easy talk and included his brother's mom and his dad not being married and not having to get divorced. It kind of kills the "Don't have sex unless you're married" thing too. Lord help me, I hope I did it all right because it confuses me sometimes too.
I was feeling somewhat confident - until he asked what "special place" babies come out of (thanks mom! LOL). I tried to come up with descriptions he could relate to since we were in the car. He didn't understand how babies come out of your 'pee pee' and kept saying he was cutting his pee pee off to get the baby out. Oy vey. Not going well. So then we had to talk about boy and girl parts being different and only girls have babies but daddies help. I was WAY in over my head without age-appropriate books to fall back on. I'm going to the library tomorrow, but it may be too late after he goes to school and shares all his new info. Oh lord, I'm in trouble I know it. Anyway, I finally got to the point where I said a girl's uterus (hooray me using the correct terms) was like a water balloon with his big Bakugan shoved inside it and the balloon stretched to make the Bakugan fit in it. Then, when he wanted the Bakugan out, the mouth of the balloon stretched to let it out. He insisted the Bakugan was too big and I kept saying it stretched. I think his brain exploded at that point and he also asked if they had to cut the pee pee to get the baby out. How was I not ready for this?? Now he wants to see proof of all this online. I think I said, "Um, oh boy" and "we'll see."
The last bombshell was my own fault for asking if he had any more questions and he could ask me anything. He hit me with, "What's dating?" Damn you Disney for not having cartoons on later in the day! I asked him what he thought first, as I do after almost everything he asks to see what details he wants. I clarified to see if he knew what a date was and he said taking a girl to a restaurant. Good boy. I think I then inserted something about gold diggers but he wanted to know about why boys and girls date. The answer I gave was that when he's older he will like girls and dating is a way to find someone you really like a lot so you can get married. I slyly added that you don't date other girls once you really, really like just one because it hurts the girl's feelings if you said you only liked her the most. But until he picks one, he can date whomever he wants or not go on another date if he doesn't.
He's said before he met the girl his dad used to date (but has since broken up with) and I did ask how he felt about his dad dating someone or my dating someone. He yelled at me that I can't date because I have to marry him. Again, the discussion on marrying your mom is not possible. Then he asked if his dad kissed the girl and I said yes. He said that was yucky and he was going to barf when we got home. Always hilarious. Before we reached our exit for home, I told him that it wasn't anything he had to think about now because that was all big boy stuff. I told him to enjoy being a little boy and have fun playing with his toys and the kids at school. He just kept saying he wanted to be a big boy now, but then said he wanted to be a little boy forever. What a tough age he's at now trying to figure things out and how the world works.
You know, I wish they gave out a handbook of all the fun stuff you'll get asked in every situation. I thought I was prepared for this inquisition. I really did. All the single parent blogs, the books with advice, the how to talk about sex with your kid info - none of it popped into my head while I got the third degree from a 5 year old. The thing that did come out of it is that now he knows he can ask me anything and I'll tell him. The most hilarious thing before we got in the house is he said, "It's a dumb question" to which I told him there are no dumb questions. He asked, "Do you say 'stupid'?" Easiest question of the day!