Friday, June 10, 2011

How He Breaks My Heart

"Are you wearing that to daddy's house?" my son asked me yesterday. It's a simple gauchos outfit in a pretty print that I pulled out of the back of the closet. I'd forgotten how comfortable it is! I haven't worn it since my son was a baby and I took him to his dad's house for the first time. A time when I was about 30 pounds thinner (hence the back of the closet), and was still trying to impress the ex. Yesterday it was jammies.

My son told me how pretty I looked in my "dress" and that he loved it so much. I adore that boy. When he asked me if I was going to wear it to his daddy's house, I told him no and he looked disappointed. He asked if daddy had ever seen it, and I replied yes, when he was a baby. He asked if daddy hated it when he saw it, and I told him no. I waited a few minutes before asking him why did he want me to wear it to his dad's house. Sometimes, when I press too hard, he shuts down and "forgets" or says "I have no words" and changes the subject. I already knew where he was going with these questions.

"I want you to wear it to daddy's because I want you to look pretty for him." Of course I asked why, and his answer broke my heart. "I want daddy to marry you again." Before I said anything, he answered himself and said he knew daddy and I wouldn't get married again. Then he asked for a hug.

I know this gets easier as he gets older. Hell, I'm a child of divorce. I know it does eventually. This part just really sucks right now.

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